Confusing emotions

In a lot of ways, and as much as it already hurts, I don't think I've fully accepted or acknowledged the fact that I will soon have to do the most painful thing of my life. I very much think I am emotionally numb and detached. Every time I think about it or try to fathom what it will really be like, this wall just goes up in me and I can't even think about it. So as much as I know it will destroy me...I think it will be a lot worse once the pain is real and I can no longer put up that wall. 

That scares me. The fact that I'm already depressed over it, yet I'm not even allowing myself to feel is just so confusing and painful. I can't even bear to think about what will happen in the hospital after he is born. Will the adoptive parents get to spend time with him alone? Will I get to be able to spend time with him? Will I get to keep his blanket and hand and footprints? How long will I have with him before they take him away from me?

Those are just a handful out of a million questions I have. To be honest...I don't know if I want to know the answer to all of them. I don't know if I can handle it. It's so hard to remember not to be selfish. I love my son so much but I just don't have the resources to provide for him right now. I know it isn't fair of me to be angry at his adoptive parents for taking him. But sometimes it's just easier that way. I love them, and I know they'll be great, but it's just easier having someone to be mad at when I can't be mad at myself. I know they aren't taking him...but once again, that thought is a whole lot easier than  the thought of me giving him away. 

To be honest with you, I don't even know how to describe my emotions. I don't know if I feel sad, or scared, or anxious, or angry... or all of the above, or none of the above. I know I have feelings, and I know they aren't good ones, but I just can't pinpoint what it is. Half the time I don't even know why I feel the way I do. I just know that I feel like crying. 

32 weeks

This morning I had yet another doctor appointment. The doctor said that I'm measuring just a bit small, which of course freaked me out because I want to make sure that my son is as healthy as possible. I will be getting an ultrasound in a few weeks to make sure everything is okay. I wish I didn't have to wait so long.

I know I haven't written in a while, but I have been writing in a journal about everything that I've been thinking and feeling, so I hope to eventually post some of those here. Things have been pretty hectic in my life. First of all, since November I have been in Texas full time, but flying back to Pennsylvania for all of my doctors appointments. Flying when you are 8 months pregnant is not a fun thing, let me tell you. I've also been having a crazy time dealing with insurance and insurance companies and what not. Thankfully, my lawyer along with the adoptive parents have been super helpful and supportive which has kept my stress level lower.

Although so far (thank God) this has been a relatively easy and healthy pregnancy,  I have noticed myself getting a bit more depressed lately. I'm not sure if it is hormone related or just the fact that I will soon have to give up my baby is hitting me harder, but it really sucks. I have struggled with depression for 4 or 5 years now, and it is something that I fear will plague me forever.

I am terrified for what I'll be like after he is born. It is going to break my heart into a million little pieces knowing I have a son out there but I won't be able to hug and kiss him everyday and take care of him like I know I should.

I don't know if adoption is the best option. I know he will be better off financially and for that reason alone it is the only option. But maybe it's just better for him to have his birth parents raise him, even if that means growing up with severe financial hardships. There will always be a part of me that will insist I could have made it work. I just love him so much already and the thought of losing him kills me.

I very much wish I knew some other people who have been through this. I would love to talk to them and see that their experience was like and what emotions they dealt with afterwards. I know what I'm doing is the best thing for him because it is giving him the best shot at life. I just hope he doesn't think I don't love him. I hope one day he can forgive me. I hope one day I can be part of his life.

I hope that when things get tough, I can remember that I did this for him and even though it hurts, he will be better off for it. I have to remember not to be selfish. This isn't about me. This is about him.

Last Minute Option

Feeling completely trapped and option-less, I felt that the only choice I had was abortion. I felt like I was forced into it just as much as last time. I was uninsured, living with my boyfriend who is gone more than he is here, no money and no support from my family or anyone else. How can I be pregnant with no money, no job and no support? I was scared and desperate.

A few weeks earlier my cousin posted a link on her Facebook about a gay couple who is once again looking to add to their family. They have one 2 year old son already are are looking to expand. I had an appointment set up for October 2nd to get an abortion. It was one I knew I very well may not keep.

On October 1st, desperate for answers and looking for any way out, I remembered the link I saw on my cousins Facebook. She knew them personally and I trust her judgement completely out of anyone I know, so if she vouched for them, I knew I would like them. I emailed them praying that they would respond before my dreaded appointment the next morning. When it turned 9pm, I started losing hope that they would even respond at all, let alone be interested in me and my child.

But then they did respond and we talked on the phone that evening. They told me everything that I needed to hear and gave me the hope that it was possible. Little did they know that the saved both of our lives that night. For I surely wouldn't have been able to live with myself if my child couldn't live either.

Scared

Today I feel terrified of going through this entire journey alone. I live with my boyfriend but he's gone a lot. Yesterday marks 15 weeks and I'm honestly terrified right now. There are just too many "what if's" going through my mind. I'm still uninsured and haven't seen a doctor, my parents still don't know, there's just too much going on and I'm trying to handle it as best I can - but damn...this is a heavy load for just a 19 year old to handle all on my own.

It's not just the fear of it all that's getting to me me. It's the emotion behind it all too. Yeah, I'm going through this whole amazing process but at the end of the day, the only thing I'll get from it is heartbreak in having my child ripped away from me because I know it's a financial impossibility. I know I'm giving my baby an amazing life with the couple I have picked out, and that's super comforting, but sometimes I think about how I'll feel afterward and I know it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I honestly think that my pregnancy at 17 was easier than this one just because my parents knew about it, I was still living with them, I had insurance and they still had to take care of me because I was a minor. They are under no such obligation now. Now it's scary. I'm so worried about my health. What if my body fails on me. What if I miscarry or have a stillborn. It terrifies me. I want to know that it's all going to be okay. I want reassurance.

I want to tell somebody about it.

I'm sure this feeling is similar to how a bride feels before she gets married. Cold feet. A bride can change her mind. You can't go back in time and not get pregnant. No matter what happens from here on it will scar me so deeply emotionally. I know I'll never be the same. I just hope it makes me stronger.

I'm hoping that knowing my child is here on this planet will give me the motivation I need to keep on going after all of this. Maybe if I have the hope of being in my baby's life I can convince myself that it will all be okay.

Maybe, just maybe.

No one knows

Parenting. Adoption. Abortion.

These are the 3 things that every woman thinks of when facing an unplanned pregnancy. For me, at 19 years old, that first option, parenting, is something that I so greatly wish to do.

This is not my first pregnancy. Sadly, at 17 years old, and with an abusive (verbally and sexually) boyfriend, I got pregnant. My heart had the same desire in it then that it does now. To raise and parent my child. Unfortunately, I was at the domain of my parents and boyfriend. I wish I never had to tell anyone. I wish I could have run away and saved the life of my child and myself. Faced with threats from the dad, Brian (some violent), and my parents (in the form of kicking me out, no support at all), I had no choice but to get an abortion. This was the last thing I ever wanted. I fought it as long and hard as I could.

But I was 17. How could I be homeless with no insurance, no money, and a baby all by myself? What happened to me on January 18th, 2012 not only killed my innocent child, who is now lovingly named Skylar, but it ripped out my soul and nearly killed me. I struggled with depression before this, but nothing compares to the feelings I felt after that day.

2 years later, I found myself in that same position. This time with a different guy. And this time, my parents don't know yet and neither does anyone else. I know, he knows, and my best friend knows. It's hard not to talk about. It's something I wish I had support in. Tomorrow I will be just 15 weeks. I find myself uninsured again and with financial troubles. I faced the prospect of abortion. I told myself that if I got an abortion, my life would surely end the following day. My second child's life could have ended October 1st, 2013. Hours away from this deadly fate, I made one last attempt to save our lives, to give my baby a chance.

I felt I had no hope. No choice.
Then I sent an email that saved my son or daughters life.