That scares me. The fact that I'm already depressed over it, yet I'm not even allowing myself to feel is just so confusing and painful. I can't even bear to think about what will happen in the hospital after he is born. Will the adoptive parents get to spend time with him alone? Will I get to be able to spend time with him? Will I get to keep his blanket and hand and footprints? How long will I have with him before they take him away from me?
Those are just a handful out of a million questions I have. To be honest...I don't know if I want to know the answer to all of them. I don't know if I can handle it. It's so hard to remember not to be selfish. I love my son so much but I just don't have the resources to provide for him right now. I know it isn't fair of me to be angry at his adoptive parents for taking him. But sometimes it's just easier that way. I love them, and I know they'll be great, but it's just easier having someone to be mad at when I can't be mad at myself. I know they aren't taking him...but once again, that thought is a whole lot easier than the thought of me giving him away.
To be honest with you, I don't even know how to describe my emotions. I don't know if I feel sad, or scared, or anxious, or angry... or all of the above, or none of the above. I know I have feelings, and I know they aren't good ones, but I just can't pinpoint what it is. Half the time I don't even know why I feel the way I do. I just know that I feel like crying.
Hi Alana,
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled upon your blog and had to say something to you. I know what you are going through. You may feel like you're alone, but you're not. Imperfect people may fail you, but God will never ever fail you. I know it is hard, but you must forgive others for the wrong that they have done to you. It takes away the mad inside and sets you free from the anger. We're all human and none of us are perfect people. We all mess up.
See, here's how it all started….
Adam and Eve were in a perfect world, but they sinned and fell into sin. That is why this world is the way it is today, full of hatred and brokenness and sadness. But do you know what else there is? There is also love. God loved us sinners so much, that He gave His only Son Jesus to sinful men, so his Son could willingly die on the cross for our sins. That's love. Love on God's part, and love on Christ's part. This world is not a perfect place, but we must know that God carries us through every step of the way. You may not notice, but He's wiping your tears away. You are His child and He loves you. This is not just a "religion" I am talking about here. This is serious stuff. IT's your salvation. Listen to me carefully. God will save you from this despair. Please cry out to Him and ask Him to help you. John 3:16 says that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. Deut 31:8
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Please watch this video. It'll help. I promise. You can watch it from 18:00 or watch it from the beginning. But please watch it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXlCeKBWfaA
This one is a good one too. The song is absolutely beautiful and it matches what you're going through
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbSMfL5LuSo
And this one is shorter, but it made me cry when I watched it for the first time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWi5iXnguTU
Pick up your Bible and start reading it. Go to school and finish! Get your degree, make something out of yourself, make a name for yourself, do it for the glory of God. It's so much better to get your degree. No excuses. If you truly want to keep your baby know that you must work hard to provide for him but you can do it. God's going to get you through this. Whatever happens I pray that the Lord will lead you in the right direction. To my sister in Christ. Take care.
Jesslyn
Hi Alana!
ReplyDeleteI think you should allow yourself to cry. I think you should allow yourself to feel what is right for you and baby. I was 21 when I gave up my son for adoption and I still remember holding him until I couldn't hold him anymore while in the hospital. I think the nurses even looked the other way when I would co sleep with him. They said something along the lines of, "the hospital frowns upon that," but I think I shot them a look. They just checked on me more often to make sure baby and I were snuggling okay. You should ask about blanket and feet prints. I was pleasantly surprised that the doctor who delivered my son, knowing my adoption plan, had his office send me a porcelain shoe of all his statistics at birth.
On the day that I went home I slept and slept. Maybe I was worn out from giving birth. Maybe I was depressed. Maybe it was both but I remember waking up and my milk had come in and I was leaking. I wasn't prepared for that. I internalized and turned to drugs and alcohol. I hope you don't.
I hope you pour yourself into this blog.
I'm so proud of you Alana!
Diane