Scared

Today I feel terrified of going through this entire journey alone. I live with my boyfriend but he's gone a lot. Yesterday marks 15 weeks and I'm honestly terrified right now. There are just too many "what if's" going through my mind. I'm still uninsured and haven't seen a doctor, my parents still don't know, there's just too much going on and I'm trying to handle it as best I can - but damn...this is a heavy load for just a 19 year old to handle all on my own.

It's not just the fear of it all that's getting to me me. It's the emotion behind it all too. Yeah, I'm going through this whole amazing process but at the end of the day, the only thing I'll get from it is heartbreak in having my child ripped away from me because I know it's a financial impossibility. I know I'm giving my baby an amazing life with the couple I have picked out, and that's super comforting, but sometimes I think about how I'll feel afterward and I know it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I honestly think that my pregnancy at 17 was easier than this one just because my parents knew about it, I was still living with them, I had insurance and they still had to take care of me because I was a minor. They are under no such obligation now. Now it's scary. I'm so worried about my health. What if my body fails on me. What if I miscarry or have a stillborn. It terrifies me. I want to know that it's all going to be okay. I want reassurance.

I want to tell somebody about it.

I'm sure this feeling is similar to how a bride feels before she gets married. Cold feet. A bride can change her mind. You can't go back in time and not get pregnant. No matter what happens from here on it will scar me so deeply emotionally. I know I'll never be the same. I just hope it makes me stronger.

I'm hoping that knowing my child is here on this planet will give me the motivation I need to keep on going after all of this. Maybe if I have the hope of being in my baby's life I can convince myself that it will all be okay.

Maybe, just maybe.