Last Minute Option

Feeling completely trapped and option-less, I felt that the only choice I had was abortion. I felt like I was forced into it just as much as last time. I was uninsured, living with my boyfriend who is gone more than he is here, no money and no support from my family or anyone else. How can I be pregnant with no money, no job and no support? I was scared and desperate.

A few weeks earlier my cousin posted a link on her Facebook about a gay couple who is once again looking to add to their family. They have one 2 year old son already are are looking to expand. I had an appointment set up for October 2nd to get an abortion. It was one I knew I very well may not keep.

On October 1st, desperate for answers and looking for any way out, I remembered the link I saw on my cousins Facebook. She knew them personally and I trust her judgement completely out of anyone I know, so if she vouched for them, I knew I would like them. I emailed them praying that they would respond before my dreaded appointment the next morning. When it turned 9pm, I started losing hope that they would even respond at all, let alone be interested in me and my child.

But then they did respond and we talked on the phone that evening. They told me everything that I needed to hear and gave me the hope that it was possible. Little did they know that the saved both of our lives that night. For I surely wouldn't have been able to live with myself if my child couldn't live either.

Scared

Today I feel terrified of going through this entire journey alone. I live with my boyfriend but he's gone a lot. Yesterday marks 15 weeks and I'm honestly terrified right now. There are just too many "what if's" going through my mind. I'm still uninsured and haven't seen a doctor, my parents still don't know, there's just too much going on and I'm trying to handle it as best I can - but damn...this is a heavy load for just a 19 year old to handle all on my own.

It's not just the fear of it all that's getting to me me. It's the emotion behind it all too. Yeah, I'm going through this whole amazing process but at the end of the day, the only thing I'll get from it is heartbreak in having my child ripped away from me because I know it's a financial impossibility. I know I'm giving my baby an amazing life with the couple I have picked out, and that's super comforting, but sometimes I think about how I'll feel afterward and I know it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I honestly think that my pregnancy at 17 was easier than this one just because my parents knew about it, I was still living with them, I had insurance and they still had to take care of me because I was a minor. They are under no such obligation now. Now it's scary. I'm so worried about my health. What if my body fails on me. What if I miscarry or have a stillborn. It terrifies me. I want to know that it's all going to be okay. I want reassurance.

I want to tell somebody about it.

I'm sure this feeling is similar to how a bride feels before she gets married. Cold feet. A bride can change her mind. You can't go back in time and not get pregnant. No matter what happens from here on it will scar me so deeply emotionally. I know I'll never be the same. I just hope it makes me stronger.

I'm hoping that knowing my child is here on this planet will give me the motivation I need to keep on going after all of this. Maybe if I have the hope of being in my baby's life I can convince myself that it will all be okay.

Maybe, just maybe.

No one knows

Parenting. Adoption. Abortion.

These are the 3 things that every woman thinks of when facing an unplanned pregnancy. For me, at 19 years old, that first option, parenting, is something that I so greatly wish to do.

This is not my first pregnancy. Sadly, at 17 years old, and with an abusive (verbally and sexually) boyfriend, I got pregnant. My heart had the same desire in it then that it does now. To raise and parent my child. Unfortunately, I was at the domain of my parents and boyfriend. I wish I never had to tell anyone. I wish I could have run away and saved the life of my child and myself. Faced with threats from the dad, Brian (some violent), and my parents (in the form of kicking me out, no support at all), I had no choice but to get an abortion. This was the last thing I ever wanted. I fought it as long and hard as I could.

But I was 17. How could I be homeless with no insurance, no money, and a baby all by myself? What happened to me on January 18th, 2012 not only killed my innocent child, who is now lovingly named Skylar, but it ripped out my soul and nearly killed me. I struggled with depression before this, but nothing compares to the feelings I felt after that day.

2 years later, I found myself in that same position. This time with a different guy. And this time, my parents don't know yet and neither does anyone else. I know, he knows, and my best friend knows. It's hard not to talk about. It's something I wish I had support in. Tomorrow I will be just 15 weeks. I find myself uninsured again and with financial troubles. I faced the prospect of abortion. I told myself that if I got an abortion, my life would surely end the following day. My second child's life could have ended October 1st, 2013. Hours away from this deadly fate, I made one last attempt to save our lives, to give my baby a chance.

I felt I had no hope. No choice.
Then I sent an email that saved my son or daughters life.