Confusing emotions

In a lot of ways, and as much as it already hurts, I don't think I've fully accepted or acknowledged the fact that I will soon have to do the most painful thing of my life. I very much think I am emotionally numb and detached. Every time I think about it or try to fathom what it will really be like, this wall just goes up in me and I can't even think about it. So as much as I know it will destroy me...I think it will be a lot worse once the pain is real and I can no longer put up that wall. 

That scares me. The fact that I'm already depressed over it, yet I'm not even allowing myself to feel is just so confusing and painful. I can't even bear to think about what will happen in the hospital after he is born. Will the adoptive parents get to spend time with him alone? Will I get to be able to spend time with him? Will I get to keep his blanket and hand and footprints? How long will I have with him before they take him away from me?

Those are just a handful out of a million questions I have. To be honest...I don't know if I want to know the answer to all of them. I don't know if I can handle it. It's so hard to remember not to be selfish. I love my son so much but I just don't have the resources to provide for him right now. I know it isn't fair of me to be angry at his adoptive parents for taking him. But sometimes it's just easier that way. I love them, and I know they'll be great, but it's just easier having someone to be mad at when I can't be mad at myself. I know they aren't taking him...but once again, that thought is a whole lot easier than  the thought of me giving him away. 

To be honest with you, I don't even know how to describe my emotions. I don't know if I feel sad, or scared, or anxious, or angry... or all of the above, or none of the above. I know I have feelings, and I know they aren't good ones, but I just can't pinpoint what it is. Half the time I don't even know why I feel the way I do. I just know that I feel like crying. 

32 weeks

This morning I had yet another doctor appointment. The doctor said that I'm measuring just a bit small, which of course freaked me out because I want to make sure that my son is as healthy as possible. I will be getting an ultrasound in a few weeks to make sure everything is okay. I wish I didn't have to wait so long.

I know I haven't written in a while, but I have been writing in a journal about everything that I've been thinking and feeling, so I hope to eventually post some of those here. Things have been pretty hectic in my life. First of all, since November I have been in Texas full time, but flying back to Pennsylvania for all of my doctors appointments. Flying when you are 8 months pregnant is not a fun thing, let me tell you. I've also been having a crazy time dealing with insurance and insurance companies and what not. Thankfully, my lawyer along with the adoptive parents have been super helpful and supportive which has kept my stress level lower.

Although so far (thank God) this has been a relatively easy and healthy pregnancy,  I have noticed myself getting a bit more depressed lately. I'm not sure if it is hormone related or just the fact that I will soon have to give up my baby is hitting me harder, but it really sucks. I have struggled with depression for 4 or 5 years now, and it is something that I fear will plague me forever.

I am terrified for what I'll be like after he is born. It is going to break my heart into a million little pieces knowing I have a son out there but I won't be able to hug and kiss him everyday and take care of him like I know I should.

I don't know if adoption is the best option. I know he will be better off financially and for that reason alone it is the only option. But maybe it's just better for him to have his birth parents raise him, even if that means growing up with severe financial hardships. There will always be a part of me that will insist I could have made it work. I just love him so much already and the thought of losing him kills me.

I very much wish I knew some other people who have been through this. I would love to talk to them and see that their experience was like and what emotions they dealt with afterwards. I know what I'm doing is the best thing for him because it is giving him the best shot at life. I just hope he doesn't think I don't love him. I hope one day he can forgive me. I hope one day I can be part of his life.

I hope that when things get tough, I can remember that I did this for him and even though it hurts, he will be better off for it. I have to remember not to be selfish. This isn't about me. This is about him.